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We need to have a serious talk about security. We don’t realize it, but every day that we leave the safety of our beds and place our feet on our peugeot floors, we face incalculable risks that we barely understand. Every day, a great threat rises to destroy the American way of life by its in-your-face bucking of the status quo. It confounds decent, god-fearing men and infuriates generous, Christian women, and it must be stopped at all costs lest its insidious ways incorporate and corrupt everything that we hold dear.

I did not want it to come to this, Ladies and Gentleman, but my uterus needs to go.

I should have figured that my uterus would be the source of this current political anarchy that we’re experiencing. Since I can remember, my uterus has been stirring up all heaps of trouble for me, mine and any decent, god-fearing folk with whom I have crossed paths.

Instead of implementing my womanly duties at the duly age of 12, my uterus showed, or didn’t show, its true colors until I was 15 years old. While my fellow wife indoctrination classmates had anywhere between 2 to 5 years of experience surfing the Holy Crimson Tide, my uterus held fast to dry shores until I was well past of proper acclamation into feminine society. As if meandering wasn’t enough for my uterus’ unconventional modus operandi, it completely defied every single pamphlet about menstruation that was written by those wonderful white straight [cis] male priests biologists, who know so much more than me about things that never even happen to them, and cannonballed into the crimson waves instead of just dipping under the water gently. My uterus was to deliver me a playful splash of bright red menses; instead it brought me a wake of black death.

After 8 years of crass and volatile uterine behavior, I became desperate. I had become reacquainted with terrifying things like facts, figures, and experiments which in turn filled my head with all sorts of scientific propaganda. Science presented me with a method of reining in my uterus, of making it behave as it should. Science presented me with release from embarrassment and frustration. Science presented me with…birth control.

GASP!!!

I know, I know! But can’t you see that I was desperate? My uterus was not behaving as those omniscient white straight [cis] male priests biologists said it should, so I had to do something in order for me to fulfill my ultimate role as a wife and mother in this realm! How else was I to do this if my uterus even refused to work on god’s given schedule?! It was for the greater good, I told myself. All of my life, men had told me that my most important aspect on this planet was not my intelligence, my passion, my drive, but my ability to be someone’s mother, and by Jove, I was going to take every step to make my destiny as a nonentity happen!

Then, in 2011, something dreadful happened. My uterus crossed the line that it had no business crossing. My uterus’ final act of rebellion was so heinous that I have difficulty putting it into words even now.

My uterus met, fell in love with and joined itself with an IUD and decided that it would house no humans ever.

I’ll give you a few seconds to regain your composure. I know that you are as agog as I was.

That fateful October afternoon, my uterus opted to never house a single human as long as it remained in my body. The uterus, however, was aware of the chemical dependency that provided its normality, and thus had to forego getting extracted in lieu of a less invasive procedure. What my uterus didn’t realize was how this decision was going to affect the fate of the nation.

So here we are, two years after my uterus absorbed the IUD, and the state of the country is in tatters. With this latest rebellion of uteruses shucking their biological imperative, they’ve unsat the very way of things and thus shut down the government. I can’t tell you how sorry I am that the passing and affirming of a law to assist Americans has upset the status quo THIS MUCH! It was purely selfish of my uterus to require any sort of health care for itself and its fellow human houses other than birthing. I’m a responsible woman, capable of paying her rent and holding down a job. If I can pay for birth control out of my pocket, then so can everyone else!

So in an effort to rectify this temper tantrum unfortunate state of affairs, I am turning in my uterus to Congress for extraction, conviction and incarceration. My uterus has been selfish, deviant, unconventional, uncompromising and manipulative, and it is high time that it pay for its crimes! Take it away and lock it up so it will never incite this riotous behavior again!

Oh, and I’m pretty sure that my uterus has two accomplices, but I’ll have to confirm that with the old white straight [cis]male priests biologists since they know so much more about this than anyone else.

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